sbangel

 April is going to be a very hectic month for me. I am very stable again so far thank god and I have quit smoking again for the moment. Last month was a nightmare. It had been awhile since I had had so many mood swings. Yikes it sucks going through that without meds. I had even started smoking again which royally annoyed my fiance'. Today Robert started a new job at the National Guard HQ in Jackson, MS. Since we are in the middle of building our house in Meridian, MS we are now going to stay in Jackson through the week and go home every weekend. I can't tell yet how well it's going to work out but moving around alot usually doesn't appeal to my need for stability.  I wish I could "go with the flow" more easily.

I have been so wrapped up in my own fears and concerns about this recent change in events that I haven't even concidered how it might be affecting Robert. He has been extremely busy preparing for this job change which has left me alone alot during the day. I wish I could make friends easier here in Mississippi. I don't ever remember feeling so lonely. I have never lived so far away from my family though either. 

I found out my brother Ryan is now a father to a beautiful baby boy. I am happy for him and I hope that him and Sasha can continue to get along for the babys sake. I feel like I will be the last one in my entire family to have a child. With the instability in our living situation god only knows when we will be ready to have kids and I am not a spring chicken anymore. Oh well so is life.

I had something else upset me this morning and what did I do to feel better, I went right for a cigarette. For some reason it made me feel worse though. I guess that's a good thing. I've decided that's it for the cigarettes. Time to find something else that will make me feel better in those moments of uncontrolled emotion. What it will be I don't know. I need to find something that isn't so bad for my health. My therapist suggests relaxation techniques.

Ugh this weekend sucked. I had the worst mood swings I've had in a long time. I am hoping they were just triggered by my period and now they will subside. It caused a huge weekend long problem for my husband and I. I went to my therapist today and she said that she was glad to hear that we had communicated during that time and that my mood swings could have manifest itself into something a lot worse. So I was glad to hear that. I broke down and had a cigarette this weekend too. Oh well I am only human it just sucks that I felt I had to have one.

Well all in all my Birthday turned out pretty nice. In addition to what Robert did for me the Friday before I received a super sweet card from my mom with a check for $100 and both my brothers wrote in the card. Ah. I also received a card with pictures in it from my aunt Parmela in Oregon. That was a bonus. Also my brother Garrett called on Tuesday to say sorry he was a day late. He sounded real good. Then on Wednesday I got an email from grandma saying sorry she forgot and wished me well. Then that night my dad called to apologize for forgetting as well. He sounded good too. So that's everyone. Yeah.

The work on our house is going a little slow because of the on again off again rain we have been having. At least it is in progress. I am trying real hard to see all of the good lately and let the negative go. I see my therapist Jan Tuesday so I can vent a little. That should help a bit.

Well I made it through a lonely Birthday just fine. At least my mom and one of my friends called. So my dad didn't call oh well. I got the sweetest card from my mom that included notes from her as well as my two brothers ahhh it was so sweet it made my cry. I miss them like crazy. I guess I am a little emotional right now. I also got a card from my aunt Parmela in Oregon with pictures yeah. I'm really glad I decided to join a couple of communities for some more interaction with people. It gets so lonely out here by myself. Today should be a good day.

 I am suffering from alot of withrawal symptoms after going off my meds. I would like to hear from anyone who has gone through this. It would be nice to know if there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am starting to go through a depression and it is time to reach out. sbangel.